Once upon a time...

there lived an ordinary man and an ordinary woman who lived in the ordinary town of Rocky Flats, Colorado. The town was like any other town except that it lay in the shadow of the massive Rocky Flats Nuclear Power Plant. Now the residents of Rocky Flats did not mind their little town being so close to a nuclear power plant, for the plant provided them their main source of income and employment. Not to mention an endless supply of electricity to keep the town's bowling alley up-to-date in the latest ten pin technology.

Nuclia's parents, like most citizens of Rocky Flats, were both employed at the Rocky Flats Nuclear Power Plant. Mr. E. Lastic Waste, was the head janitor at the plant, sweeping up plutonium waste spills and uranium dust. His wife, Toxic Waste, worked in the company cafeteria serving on the microwave buffet line. They both loved their work very much, for it afforded them great luxuries such as 1976 Bicentennial Edition dinnerware and shag carpeting for their bathroom.

Lastic and Toxic had everything a loving couple in Rocky Flats could want, except for one thing....a child. When Toxic finally became pregnant, the couple was happy beyond belief. Toxic continued to work at her job at the power plant as she still had 2 more place settings to go on her 1976 Bicentennial Edition dinnerware. Little did she know she was exposing little developing Nuclia to very high doses of nuclear radiation that would change her life forever.

When Nuclia was born with a full head of green hair, Toxic, Lastic and the whole town of Rocky Flats were shocked and amazed. But like most strange things, the town eventually accepted little baby Nuclia just as easily as they accepted that all the fish in Rocky Flats Lake had three eyes.

Little baby Nuclia grew up like any child in the little town of Rocky Flats and did play well with the other children. They especially liked to take her along to catch lightening bugs, since she seemed to attract them in large numbers with her unusual green glow, though the moths were a bit of a problem. Over time, Nuclia's radiation caused the local insect population to mutate into butterflies, in a variety of day-glo and bio-luminescent colors, often in a paisley pattern.  Although voracious in their caterpillar stage (accounting in part for Rocky Flats' interesting barren appearance), the butterflies have become one of the major features that make Rocky Flats the tourist Mecca it is today.
 
It was obvious from the start that Nuclia's radiation destroyed natural fibers.  Lead diapers had to be specially produced for her.  Cotton would burst into flames on contact with her skin, and wool would simply disintegrate.  (She is a mixed blessing to sheep, as one touch will cure them of cancer and hoof-and-mouth, but also renders them completely and permanently bald.  On the plus side, it is now known that mating cloned "Nucliated" sheep with common stock results in lambs which provide sensuously soft hot-pink wool, and a crown roast which cooks itself to a delightful medium-rare.) This is why, to this day, you will only find Nuclia swathed in the finest of polyester fashions.
 
When Nuclia began to grow triple breasts at puberty, her parents knew they had more than a daughter on their hands — they had the Plutonium Princess, as was written in the ancient Rocky Flats Nuclear Prophecy, available now in bookstores across the nation.

Of course, being the Plutonium Princess and having three breasts only served to make Nuclia the most popular date in high school. She was elected the Rocky Flats High School Homecoming Queen, beating Miss Dee Contaminate by one vote. This would be the beginning of a lifelong feud between Dee and Nuclia. Dee swore by her EPA approved prom gown that she would someday rid Rocky Flats of Nuclia Waste forever. Nuclia, resplendent in a gown of her own design (acid green with Brillo pads at collar and cuffs, now on display in the Smithsonian; protective goggles recommended), took no notice of her new nemesis. Dee could only look on in impotent rage as Nuclia danced the Atomic Bomb to the music of Lise Meitner and her Nuclear Fission Band.
 
Fast forward to present day....

Now that Nuclia is an adult and has matured into a full grown radioactive beauty, she has realized the full potential of her Special Plutonium Powers. They allow her to ward off evil voodoo curses, break fashion rules with a single outfit, and grow extra appendages at will, including lengthening her legs for parades. Her Plutonium Powers also allow her to tame wild beasts such as her favorite pet reptile, Gaytor, an alligator she found one day living in the Rocky Flats Swamp. 

Her garden is also quite something, producing, among other things, parsnips the size of Louisville Sluggers.  All of her produce has a half-life instead of a shelf-life.  Dee Contaminate, forever bitter, once tried to sabotage the garden.  She was thwarted, however, when the cabbage she was molesting with her machete started to roll downhill, nearly crushing her.  As she crawled painfully away, she muttered, "I fought the slaw and the slaw won. This time..."
 
Nuclia Waste has always used her Special Plutonium Powers for good, and never evil. She used her special architectural powers to completely rebuild the town of Rocky Flats into the Plutonium Palace it is today, incorporating the original nuclear power plant into the design -- much to the chagrin of Miss Dee Contaminate, who tried to thwart Nuclia’s town rebuilding every step of the way. Always searching to rid Rocky Flats of Nuclia Waste, Dee is quite alone in her sinister endeavors, for Nuclia constantly draws more and more admirers (of many sexes, races, and galactic origins) into her orbit.Her personal physicist, Dr. Miles Island III, attributes this to a previously unknown attractive force he has dubbed "Groovity."
 
Enjoy your visit to Nuclia Waste’s Radioactive Pad. Be sure to take the tour of Rocky Flats and peek in on Nuclia in her Plutonium Palace. If you like the site, be sure to send an email to the Plutonium Princess and tell her so. She always answers her fan mail personally. And remember, "It’s never too late to have a happy childhood!"

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