So Gay In Hollywood
or How to Bring the Los Angeles Fire Department To A Dead Stop!
by Nuclia Waste
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My favorite author in the whole wide world, Jill Conner Browne, invited me out to the WB Studios in Hollywood to be a VIP guest at the pilot taping of a new comedy show based upon her national best-selling books, The Sweet Potato Queens. Delta Burke (Designing Women) has been cast to play Jill along with TV stars Katherine Cunningham-Eves, Allison Munn and Nick Zano. I had never been to a TV studio and leapt at the chance to see Hollywood movie and TV stars up close and personal.
I flew to Los Angeles on the day of the taping. Since the taping didn't start until 6 p.m., I thought it would be fun to get in a little shopping and sightseeing in during the daylight hours. A friend of mine, Missy Thang, from the Sweet Potato Queens Message Board of Love (www.sweetpotatoqueens.com) met me in style at the airport in her white Mercedes. She immediately whisked me away to Manhattan. I thought I was in for a cross country trek Thelma and Louise style until I realized we were headed for Manhattan Beach, just minutes away from LAX and home to some fine beaches with muscle bound men to adorn them. We strolled along the boardwalk and had dinner atop a fine pub overlooking the ocean and with views of Los Angeles. I am sure the views of the city must be spectacular from the little glimpses I was able to catch through the smog. At lunch, Missy Thang poured out the tragic story of how her new tiara was stolen at Bruno's Friday brunch in Jackson, Mississippi during the Sweet Potato Queens weekend. I was moved to tears at the catastrophe and vowed right then and there we would head straight to Hollywood Boulevard immediately after lunch and bestow a new tiara upon her queenly head. So after a quick stop at Miss Thang's fabulous palace on the hill in Manhattan Beach to get in face, we were off for some shopping with the stars!  Walking down Hollywood Boulevard in full Nuclia drag did turn some heads, I must say. Silly me. I would have thought the people in Hollywood had seen it all. Apparently a glowing radioactive drag queen still can smite one's eye. As I jumped out of the Mercedes, low and behold, what was in front of me but the Hollywood Walk of Stars with the star for Martha Raye right before my platform shoes. Now, I know what a famous actress she is, having won I believe, an Oscar for her role in the Polident commercials. I can still hear her voice now resonating through the Plutonium Palace from my RCA Spectravision television. I threw myself on upon her star and with the photographic assistance of Missy Thang, commenced a photoshoot right there on the sunny sidewalk.  Well it wasn't long until the authorities arrived. Having been kicked out of Cherry Creek Mall in Denver, I have learned to see those little red flags marking danger ahead. This little red flag arrived in the form of a big red truck. The Los Angeles Fire Department to be exact. Did someone report a lost kitten up a tree nearby? Or a drag queen prostrated upon the sidewalk that needed resuscitation? I knew whatever it was, this could not be in my best Hollywood ambition interest. The firemen poured out of the truck. About six from what I remember. It was all a blur. The leader of the fire brigade was carrying a large black instrument. I nearly fainted till I realized it was a camera. These local fire boys wanted a picture with Nuclia Waste! I was flabbergasted and quite flattered at the same time. Never to be one to refuse a request from a man in uniform, I consented and we had a delightful little photoshoot. Goodbye Martha Raye, hello fire hotties! They insisted I climb up into the cab of the fire truck. Unfortunately, it was only for more photos. Which I was sure quite illegal regardless. They gave me their precinct number and invited me to visit the station anytime. What a bunch of sweeties. It's unfortunate that downtown LA office building was completely destroyed by fire that same afternoon. It was a masterpiece of architecture.  Missy Thang and I headed on over to the monster costume store where they had hundred of tiaras to choose from. After Miss Thang tried on a dozen or so rhinestone creations, we finally picked the queenliest one from the lot. We threw in a bright pink feather boa, and Missy Thang was properly accessorized for the taping of the Sweet Potato Queens show. I had to make one quick pit stop into my most favorite wig store on earth, Wig Outfitters, just down the street from the costume store. I found a delightful radioactive green and yellow glowing bouffant I could just not live without. I just prayed Frontier Airlines would let me sneak on a second carry on wig. You just can't check the darn things unless you want to look like Phyllis Diller. It was nearly 4 p.m. and time to transport ourselves to beautiful Burbank, home to the WB Studios. We boarded our tram with several other queenly groups and were promptly dropped off in front of the gates to Warner Brothers central. After a thorough screening to make sure we were not carrying cameras, cell phones or any other devices that vibrate, we were herded into what I can only describe as a holding pen. Like queenly cattle, we mooed and awed over each others outfits and sparkly jewels. In attendance was Hoosier, Mini Merlot, Piggy Queen, Empress of the Desert, and a whole gaggle of Speckle Belly Goose Queens to name a few. We were marched off single file straight into Studio 22 where the filming was to take place. Studio 22 had a plaque on it's exterior boasting that this location was used for the filming of the popular TV series, Wonder Woman, starring Linda Carter. Was this not just the most appropriate place to be shooting a new TV show about America's newest wonder woman, Jill Conner Browne? Serendipity in it's finest hour. The audience seating was 5 rows of basic black chairs all tiered and facing the staging area. Microphones were hung above us to catch every laugh and giggle that would later erupt from ourselves as they filmed the sitcom. Before us was the Sweet Potato Queens set. Three separate areas were designed for the show. In the middle was Jill's home, showing her kitchen and living room. To the right was a replica of Hal and Mal's in Jackson. For the show, it's been renamed Skeet and Pete's. On our left was Jill's daughter's room. Her real name is Bailey but in the show she has been rechristened Emma. Under each chair was the first book, The Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love, a gift for everyone attending the taping. We were assigned a cheerleader of sorts whose job it was to keep our spirits up and get us into a fun and frenzy mood so our laughter would be perfection for the taping. He cracked some jokes and tossed fabulous gifts at us. We received SPQ sunglasses, Jill's 3rd book (The Sweet Potato Queen's Big-Ass Cookbook and Financial Planner) on tape, SPQ potholders, SPQ t-shirts, stuffed and chocolate Easter bunnies and yellow marshmallow peeps. If I knew there were going to be so many free prizes, I would have brought 3 more shopping bags along. George the Head Wannabe came out in drag and was looking quite stunning. He was excited to be having a walk on role as Emma's transvestite uncle. The other real Sweet Potato Queens, including Jill, also have a part in the show. The taping went on into the wee hours of the night so we missed their on stage debuts. Early in the taping, Delta came over and said hello to us all. The first words out of her mouth were, "Nuclia Waste! So good to see you. Thanks for coming!" I was flattered that she made me feel right at home in the middle of Hollywood. She is so gracious. Her southern hospitality just rings right through. I must say the show is quite funny. They have written the script very well. We laughed and laughed at the jokes, even after seeing them redone 4 or 5 times. We watched as parts of the script were rewritten right before our very eyes. New jokes were added. Jokes that bombed were hauled off the set. We even chimed in with our own two cents when they could not decide which punch line to use. Emma says to her boyfriend, "How would you feel if someone ate you?" in reference to humans eating poor animals. (She plays a vegetarian.) Delta says "Like I'd died and gone to heaven!" Well, the WB big wigs in suits thought it was too racy for TV and had them change it to.... Delta: "That's the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Come on over here and help me stuff my boobs." As you can guess, most of us were voting for response number one. Now, if you ever get the chance to go to a show taping, take my advice and bring along a 5 course meal cause you could be there for hours. We were. The only two things Missy Thang and I were able to sneak in was chocolates and a Barbie Thermos of vodka. These two items usually are enough to sustain me for quite some time, but even a 6 hour studio session can drain one's plutonium power cells dry. Throw in two monster air conditioning tubes blowing directly on us and our body temperatures were plummeting from the lack of food and heat. We were ready to light my wig on fire just to stay warm. Even the well-feathered Speckle Belly Goose Queens flew the coup hours before us. Last report, they were seen flying south to warmer climates. We followed the same flight path and headed back to our cars around 11:30 p.m. They still had a few more scenes to shoot, including ones with the actual Sweet Potato Queens and George the Head Wannabe in it. Those scenes will remain a mystery until we see the show on TV, expect for Hoosier, who made of with an autographed copy of the script. She holds the secret to the ending of the show in her Indiana hands.  Hopefully the Sweet Potato Queens pilot show will get picked up. If so, there will be lots more filming to be done for future episodes so you can get yourself to Hollywood and stop fire trucks on the street too. |
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