Drag Queen Overboard!
Or How To Sail The Seven Seas in Style
By NuClia Waste
The high seas drag adventure of a lifetime began right here in Denver. I received a phone call from Andy at RSVP Vacations last November. From cruises to safaris, RSVP Vacations hosts exciting trips for gays and lesbians all over the world. Andy was inviting me to be the hostess of their Mardi Gras Cruise, sailing from Ft. Lauderdale March 1-8, 2003. I would be co-hosting the cruise with nationally renowned comedian, Danny Williams.
The year before, I went on my first gay cruise ever on the Mexican Riviera. I had never been on a cruise before and did not think I would enjoy it one bit. I like adventure, planning my own vacations and was not looking forward to be stuck on ship playing shuffleboard all day. Let me tell you, I had the best vacation of my life and more fun than I could have ever imagined aboard the boat. If you have never been on a gay cruise before, book one as soon as possible. You will not regret it.
After packing my two little ole steamer trunks to their maximum weight allowance (70 pounds each) I headed off to DIA for my flight to Ft. Lauderdale. Let me tell you, when you are carrying a big green wig in a shopping bag, you do catch the attention of TSA security. (Travel Tip #1: Never check your big hair. Always carry it on the plane with you in a smart shopping bag.) They insisted on xraying both my trunks and hand searched one of them. I guess there must be some concern these days about drag queen terrorists. They should have been more concerned about my bouffant green hairdo. One little match and they would have had some serious napalm on their hands! I think our armed forces should consider dropping me on Iraq. That war would be over in a nuclear flash.
Well, I survived my full cavity body searches and made it to sunny Florida, leaving Denver and winter behind. I arrived to an 80 degree morning and knew I was not in Colorado anymore when the windows immediately fogged up upon landing. There was so much humidity down there. I was like a very dry sponge and soaked up that moisture, gaining three dress sizes in the process. The good news is that my hair also doubled in size, never a bad thing at all.
I boarded Holland America’s ms Zuiderdam early and got myself in drag in order to meet and greet all the passengers as they boarded the ship. Since it was the Mardi Gras cruise, we handed out beads as everyone arrived. And what a pretty parade of faces it was. RSVP cruise attracts all sorts of people from all over the country and the world as well. We had men and women and all shapes and sizes and ages. You get a very nice mix of people. I was worried last year when I boarded the ship that I would be surrounded by body builders with too many muscles and way too much attitude. Not so on an RSVP cruise. The ship was filled with 1,875 people who were just as friendly as can be.
Our first activity upon boarding was the required fire boat drill you will do on any cruise. Everyone goes to their room, locates their life vest and heads to the life boats. I did cause a little scene screaming, “Drag queens and children first!” We actually did have a small fire on board during our cruise. But it was quickly put out and we did not have to put our life jackets to use. I swear I had nothing to do with that can of hair spray they found at the source of the fire…
We set sail for Key West at 5:30 p.m. with our Bon Voyage Party. Everyone was on deck celebrating our launch upon the high seas with cocktails in hand. There were some very festive costumes at the party. Many groups of friends will dress alike throughout the cruise in fun outfits. We had a group of cowboys and cowgirls from Dallas, some Las Vegas showgirls oddly enough from London and another group dressed in the colors of the gay flag. (Travel Tip #2: Plan to bring lots of outfits and costume changes for a cruise. On our cruise we had several theme parties including the Underwear Party, Leather/Uniform Party, the Sarong Tea Dance and the Masquerade Ball to mention a few. And you WILL want to look fabulous at each and everyone.)
Formal dinners are served each evening in the main dining room. And the food on board is incredible and delicious. Because of the large number of passengers, they do an early seating at 6:30 and a later seating at 8:45. Of course everyone wants to do the late seating. (Travel Tip #3: In order to get Late Seating, book your cruise early. Late Seating sells out quickly. Also, if you book your RSVP Cruise before April, 2003, you can receive up to a $300 discount on your cruise.)
After dinner each night, there is top national talent performing in the main showroom. Our theater was three stories high with a Broadway caliber stage. The first evening we laughed to the comedic talents of Judy Gold, a lesbian comedian who has appeared on HBO. Judy did not miss a beat when the captain came on to announce the fire on board, complete with the sounds of someone choking from smoke in the background. Judy made hay out of that announcement I can assure you! Other entertainment that week included disco diva, Kim English, comedian Danny Williams and his Newlywed Game and Ellen Greene, singer, vocalist and star of The Little Shop of Horrors.
We awoke the next morning to the warm of sunny skies of Key West, Florida. This was our first port city on the cruise. I got all dolled up, grabbed my bullhorn and headed off into the city with 50 people in tow for my “NuClia’s Wacky Shore Tour Of Key West.” I took our passengers on a tour of Key West’s most famous attractions including the Audobon House and Gardens, The Oldest House In Key West, the Key West Lighthouse, Ernest Hemingway’s Home and the Southernmost Point in the Continental United States. I must say I turned a few heads in Key West in my lovely egg yolk dress and bright green hair. We toured the city in style and I offered up my rewritten history of the city through radioactive eyes.
On they way back, on of the famous Conch Trains passed us by. The Conch Trains take tourists (mostly the straight ones) on a tram tour of the city. The announcer on passing us stated, “Ladies and gentlemen, on your left you can see NuClia Waste.” I was only in Key West 2 hours and had become a Key West attraction! I was quite flattered.
That night on board the ship was the famous Underwear Party from midnight until 4am. (Travel Tip #4: Get in plenty of naps or drinks lots of coffee so you don’t miss the late night parties. They are a blast and sometimes get a little naughty. When sailing on International waters, all laws are thrown overboard!)
Monday was our day at sea and we got a little tanning and sun in the morning but now we were headed north to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, so the weather progressed to cooler temperatures. The MS Zuiderdam had a retractable ceiling over the pool so we were still able to enjoy Pool Games hosted by Danny Williams. We played bingo later that day. (Travel Tip # 5: Do play the bingo games. The jacklpots on this cruise were from $900 to $1,400 cash. The final bingo jackpot at the end of the cruise was $6,000. You could buy a few future cruises with those winnings.)
That evening was Formal Night at dinner. You only have to dress up one night on the cruise for dinner. Tuxedoes and beaded gowns were all around and photographers are on hand to catch you at your best, available for later purchase in the Photo Gallery on Board. Cruise ships have photographers taking pics all week so if you should forget your camera, you can purchase very beautiful photos of yourself on board.
Tuesday we awoke to Mardi Gras on Fat Tuesday in New Orleans. The weather was less than ideal. Cool, foggy and drizzly rain. The fog lifted and the rain ceased and everyone headed into the French Quarter to earn their beads and drink some Hurricanes. I myself donned a stilt-walking costume I made just for Mardi Gras and entered the Bourbon Street Awards costume contest in front of the gay disco, OZ. The event was hosted by drag queen Varla Jean Merman from New York City. People come from all over the country to enter this prestigious costume competition, nicknamed “The Academy Awards of Costumes.” There were some amazing costumes in the categories of Best Male, Best Female, Best Drag, Best Fantasy and Best Leather. I was quite excited when they announced me as first place in Best Drag, or, as I like to call it, Best in Breed! I was shocked when they announced me Best Overall for the entire contest. It was a Mardi Gras dream come true.
Our boat was to sail at 11:30 pm that night but the thick fog preventing us from navigating the Mississippi river out of New Orleans. We were stuck in the mud until 1:30 p.m. the next day. What this meant was we had no time to make it to our foreign port of Progresso, Mexico. And cruise ships are legally required to make one foreign port docking on the trip. This meant my goal of climbing the Mayan pyramids in drag would have to be put off until a later time. Darn the luck!
So we sailed full speed ahead to Nassau in the Bahamas instead. During the sailing, I hosted my Pool Games on Wednesday afternoon. We played the Wet T-Shirt Olympics and the Swimsuit Scramble. The Swimsuit Scramble had contestants removing their swimsuits and only wearing their towels. I mixed up all the swimsuits and they had to race down, find their own suit, put it on and race back. Some of those towels did not quite stay on which made the games a little more festive!
After the Pool Games, I helped Danny Williams host another exciting game of bingo. Then we had our afternoon Sarong Tea Dance poolside. RSVP Vacations provided free rum cocktails for that party. That evening we laughed as couples revealed some embarrassing secrets in the Newlywed Game. Then it was Country Western Dancing until 2 in the morning.
Thursday was a warm and sunny day at sea as we sailed to the Bahamas. Our boat must have been at least 12 feet deeper in the water from all the beads people earned in Mardi Gras but we still made good time. At the end of this day, sunburns were the fashion statement of the night. (Travel Tip #6: Don’t forget the sunscreen and remember that you burn twice as fast with the sun’s reflections coming off the ocean.) In the afternoon, Danny Williams and I hosted the Swimsuit Pageant (yet another reason to pack lots of costumes for you cruise!) We had some very clever swimsuit entries and narrowed them down to the top 5. Then I was in charge of seeing if they had any talent. We played a little Grab Bag Drag. Each contestant received a brown paper bag containing one prop and one song to perform. Ms. Flaming Zuiderdam 2003 (remember that fire on board? Hence the Flaming title) stole the show when she performed “I Wanna Be Whipped By You” working the leather whip she received in the bag.
Another Tea Dance that evening, a wonderful lobster dinner and we celebrated Mardi Gras again with the Masquerade Ball. The creativity in the costumes was amazing. A drag queen dog trainer and her rainbow colored poodles walked away with the $1,000 grand prize.
Friday we arrived in Nassau and many headed off on various shore tours of the island including snorkeling, scuba diving and swimming with the sting rays. I headed off to the beach with a group of fine hunks from New York and Atlanta where were swam in the crystal blue waters and caught some sun on the fine white sandy beach.
We ended our final evening on board with a passenger talent show. We had some amazing singers, poets and pianists on board that wowed us with their talents. A final late night dance went until 4 am. I got to bed early as I had to be in drag at 6:30 am to say final goodbyes to the passengers as they started leaving the ship at 7:30 am. After we said goodbye to the final passenger, the RSVP crew and I headed to Customs and Immigration. This was my first time to enter the United States dressed in drag! I re-entered our fine country without incident, proving the drag queen terrorist threat was just not such a hot potato after all.
For more information about NuClia Waste, and to see pictures from her ocean journey, visit www.NuCliaWaste.com. For more information about RSVP Vacations 2004 cruises to the Caribbean and the Mexican Riviera, visit www.RSVPVacations.com